Super Smash Lovers
by Twisted Mackeral
Summary: New combatants lead to new tensions among the veterans, and Link finds competition in the form of a guntoting, boxloving manmachine.
1. Chapter 1

Four fabric fingers drummed along the table edge. They had been drumming for ten minutes now and had been increasing in pace and volume during that time, until the fine mahogony of the table edge was beginning to splinter. Fine cracks worked their way down the lengthy length of the table, past the rows of many seated characters, eventually arriving at the other head of the table, where sat the Hero of Time, Link. He was fidgeting too, toying absently with his hair and rubbing at his eyes, which were red and swollen, and skirting the outside of the conference room, trying their best to avoid the eyeless gaze of Master Hand.

The Master Hand made an impressive show of looking at his watch - considering he had neither watch or eyes with which to look - and resumed his tapping. He was by nature a pedantic being. The twin pressures of raising a psychotic twin sibling and organising one of the largest and certainly most bizarre fighting force in the world had made him so. It was clear he was anxious to get this meeting going. Nobody likes an anxious laser-spewing, bullet firing, crush-crazy ten-foot glove.

"Can we not start without Ganondorf?" Marth spoke up gently.

Again without the benefit of eyes, Master Hand shot the young fighter a look. He was a stiffler for correct and proper meeting regulations to quite the same degree as he was for timeliness.

"This concerns everybody," Link answered. "Even Ganondorf."

"And yet I can't help noticing the absense of Zelda," Marth noted. "...or our guest."

"They are why I called this meeting in the first place." A atmosphere of loaded silence, intershot with meaningful glances, fell across the room at Link's words. "_He_ is the reason I called this meeting."

The doors were flung back. Ganondorf bustled in. "Sorry about that, everyone! Had to get the creases out of my cape, and then I couldn't find the iron! Madness..." He took his seat (or what would now more accurately be called a throne, after his last series of complaints), and looked around, settling on Link. "Oh my word, have you been crying?!" He clapped his hands with a cackle. "Let's get this meeting going; this sounds saucy!"


	2. Chapter 2

Spoiler warning: there are possibly some minor, vague spoilers in this, but it's no particular twists or plot elements or anything. Just a discussion of some of the Nintendo bad guys who "die". Still, just thought I'd give you a heads-up.

Also, some strong language, and Samus making love to a glove, which is just _weird_.

Also, if anybody knows where I should take The Heroine of Time, give me a ring-a-ding.

* * *

"Permission to begin the meeting," Link sniffed.

[Shoot, Master Hand gestured. As a man, every veteran in the room ducked.

After a few seconds, when no explosions were heard, the characters pulled themselves to their feet, brushed themselves off, and Link continued, sheepishly. "I would like to put forward the suggestion that Solid Snake not be allowed on the team."

The Fire Emblem area of the table immediately erupted in agreement. They hated projectilists. Bowser and Wario voiced held the view that there were too many goody two-shoes in the group anyway. Captain Falcon, who had found a brother in lycra since Snake's arrival, was all for keeping him. It was notable that most of the female combatants were objecting.

The sexless characters simply sat/floated there, holding no worthwhile opinions and generally looking oblivious to the whole thing.

Donkey Kong had found an excuse to thump the table emphatically.

As always, nobody could deduce Mr Game & Watch's opinion.

Naturally, Young Link sided with Adult Link and Ganondorf immediately said, "Veto!"

"You veto all my suggestions!" Link snapped irritably.

"Um. . . yeah, dude. . . duh," the King of Evil said, gesturing at the black cape and red eyes.

"It's a-my opinion we should-a let Link voice his a-pinions, a-first," said Mario, trying to quell the raucious debate before it, once again, became a full-blown free-for-all.

"It's my opinion you should shut your fat, Italian face."

"It's a-my opinion that we can't-a have a single debate without you resorting to racism, Bowser," retorted Mario.

"It's a-my medical opinion that your thick skull is cutting off oxygen to your brain," backed up Dr Mario.

"Perhaps it'sa just too many bumps to the head," Mario smiled.

Bowser glowered across the table at him. One swing of his claws and it'd be reduced to splinters.

"I vote to keep him," said Samus. "I like a man who can handle a weapon."

There were sniggers, catcalls, and cries of 'I bet you do' and 'We _have _real weapons."

"Swords aren't real weapons," Samus said at the members of Fire Emblem.

Gasps and "O' no she didn't!"

"Yeah, well, plasma isn't a viable projectile!"

Just when the fight looked ready to kick off, the Master Hand's balled body thumped the already suffering table, half of which collapsed. This was such a common occurence that nobody gave it much notice. It just made it easier to attack each other. But they were shushed into relative silence ("Relative", as perfect silence rarely features the sounds of metal being drawn slowly across metal, or the hum of a warming up plasma cannon.). Composing itself, the glove gestured at Link to continue.

"I just feel that he doesn't reflect... the same values that many of us in this room hold."

Ganondorf laughed. "Plus he's getting it with Zelda, right?"

"You've all seen his file - "

"Right? I'm right, right? That's what this is all about? Zelda?"

Link was trying simultaneously to ignore the Dark Lord and not to start crying again.

"We _have_ all seen his file," Samus said. "If you ask me he looks like an exceptional fighter."

Somebody muttered, "Your mother looks like an exceptional fighter."

"My mother's dead, you little prick."

"Oh, my mistake, then I guess she wasn't an exceptional- "

"He kills people," Link yelled.

The reply was a complete non-reaction.

"Uh, we _all_ kill people, guy," Ganondorf smirked.

"I mean he _kills_ kills people. _People_ people."

Silence. A cough.

Link tried to clarify. "Mario, when was the last time you killed anybody?"

"It's-a my remembering that I-a stomped Bowser not last Thursday."

"But he came back, right?"

"Of-a course!"

Ganondorf didn't like where this was heading.

"I've killed Ganondorf multiple times but I've never actually _killed_ him. I've shot him with silver arrows, impaled him through the heart, stabbed him twice through the head, and me and Zelda...me and Zelda..." He trailed off. His bright blue eyes filled with tears and he sunk his head into has hand. allowing his long hair to fall in front of his eyes. A few in the room went 'awwww'

The Sorcerer in question sighed. "Technically...that's true," he grumbled. He gave the young man a swift and awkward, singular pat on the back, then cleared his throat businesslike. "But Samus has never beaten Ridley either," he said shortly, hoping to distract the attention away from himself.

She glared warningly at the Fire Emblemers, wary of further comments about her mother now that Ridley had been mentioned. "It's not my fault the Space Pirates keep ressurecting him."

"Yeah, the Space Pirates," Ganondorf smiled. He'd suddenly found a new way to annoy people and he was going to run with it. "How are they?"

"They're dead. Trust me. They're _really_ dead."

"You sure about that?"

"Very sure."

"And Dark Samus."

"_So_ dead."

"Metroids?"

". . . "

"Didn't think so."

"My games are _called_ metroid! You can't kill them off."

He waved his hand vaguely at the details. "Whatever... " He scouted the room for a new victim. "Donkey Kong - King K. Rool . . . Fox - that giant head. . . Picachu - Team Rocket. . . Sonic - Robotni - sorry, _Eggman_." He finished with a self-satisfied laugh. "Link's right. This _is_ a room full of failures. You guys couldn't kill my mother and she's both 400. You should kick Snake off the team just for making you all look bad."

Many looked uncomfortable. The cuter ones in the room looked confused by the concept of death.

"So he's a bit more bloody than what Nintendo is used to," Samus admitted. "Get with the times."

"Nintendo being the main word in that sentence," Ike chipped in. Roy high-fived him.

"Playstation? More like _Gay_station," Roy laughed.

"Gaystation pee."

"Yeah, Gaystation Wee," said the third member of Team Fire Emblem. "Gaystation wee suck."

"Let's a-not start with the wee puns again."

"Irrelevant. S. S. B. is a cross-platform employer. Isn't that right, sir?" The Master Hand gave her an emphatic thumbs up. A barely audible grumbled passed around the room; it was a well-known fact that the Intergalactic Bounty Hunter was sleeping with the Hand. "Anyway, I'm voting to keep."

"We vote to kick him," Roy spoke for his clique. "And also to kick Samus."

"Bite me."

"Bite my sword, bitch."

They went around the table (or what was left of it), each giving their vote on whether to keep him or kick him. Eventually they arrived at the Hyrulian and the Gerudo, votes more or less even.

"Let's take it as a given that he's voting to kick, shall we?" Ganondorf said for Link, who was still sunk in tears.

"And you?"

He shrughed. "Whatever. I don't care."

"Everyone has to vote, Ganon."

"Fine. Kick him. Whatever."

Even still, the vote was close. It would come down to the headless head-honcho's legless stance on the matter. His vote counted for many.

The room looked at Master Hand.

If Master Hand had eyes, they would have been looking at Samus.


	3. Chapter 3

Ganondorf glanced at the clock. It had been so long that the room had completely emptied, except for himself, the adult Hero of Time, the young Hero of Time (who had fallen asleep in his chair), and Foreman Spike, who had been called in to reconstruct the table, and was grumbling endlessly as he worked. Ganondorf passed the time by listening for when Link's sobs and Foreman Spike's hammer blows synced up nicely.

He could have sworn he even got the hammer blows, the sobs, and the ticking of the clock to synch up once, but perhaps he was just going insane with boredom.

A cleaner entered, hoovered up the layer of splintered wood from the carpet and left, and still Link continued to cry.

"Guy, that vote was rigged anyway. The Hand always votes the same as Samus. How about I push her off a bridge, for you? That'd cheer you up, right? I push her off a bridge, you order a revote, Snake gets kicked out on his ass. Bish bash bosh, Bob's your uncle."

Adult Link continued to blubber. Ganondorf gave an angry sigh. The light from the many, long windows was beginning to turn a shade of evening. Unable to take any more, he thumped the table (causing young Link to jolt awake and Foreman Spike to complain loudly that he was disrupting his work), pushed back his throne, and headed for the door.

"This is ridiculous. I'm talking to Zelda."

"No!," Link wailed. "You'll mess things up."

"I will _not_! I've lived my entire life surrounded by women, you know. I know how they work. She'll be back in your arms before you can say 'Ganondorf, please solve all my relationship problems'. Trust me."

"You'll make things worse."

"Oh, I will not!"

* * *

"Stop screwing around, Zelda." 


End file.
